I had never realised how important academic validation was for me, until I lost it. I struggle day & night, to get full marks on an assignment, a quiz or maybe a presentation; anything, that’ll boost my self morale. My self esteem varies according to my gpa. I feel insulted whenever i get marks on or below average. I am ashamed of admitting that I am struggling with a course. In a class of 300, why am I not the one who is getting it all? Why am I not the one with their life sorted? Why can I not party & still ace my exams? Does it have to be so hard all the time?
I feel tired. Exhausted. I go through a burn out every other week; trying to catch up with the others, trying to remain in the top league. And failing so many times. Hiding my paper so no one would know I was stupid or struggling except me. With tears blurring my vision, fatigue clouding my mind, I put a smile on my face, push my chin up & pretend like it’s all ok. I’m acing it. When I know I’m not, I know I am crumbling inside, I know I am shattered, I need rest, I need to sleep. But I’ll be out of the race if I stop. I’ll be a loser, a quitter. My gpa will drop & the world will know. It will be too embarrassing. So I keep being hard on myself. I keep pushing myself. I keep trying & failing & it’s not a good feeling. It hurts. Tell me, am I cruel or is it the system?
You see, when one’s mental health falters, no one sees the ache, the pain, but when one’s gpa drops, the world hears the noise, like a bombshell dropped on a fairy meadow, damaging it beyond recovery.
Musings of an unapologetic introvert 